Stella

Me, my wife, my daughter.

I never would have imagined.

For most of the nine months we waited for her, we were nearly certain there was a boy in there.  We never wanted to know for sure, but everyone had a theory, and most of them were not pointing in this direction.  In the months before her birth, I had this recurring thought that I wouldn't be lucky enough to get a girl.  There was no way.  I'd seen friends posting pictures of their little girls, absolutely adorable, and I fell in love with the idea, tempered by the popular opinion that this was unlikely.

The exact moment a child enters this world is a stunning experience that defies words.  To call it a miracle is not inappropriate.  It's not the bump you've been looking at for nine months.  In an instant, it's a person; even at 6lb 12oz, much larger and more defined than you could have ever expected.  Stunning.  You don't even know what to say, even as the doctor asks you to announce the sex.  So she does it for you.

In those days recovering at the hospital, holding Stella, feeling this incredible love for something you've never felt before.  It holds the two of you together like a magnet trying to pull its way out of your chest.  As hard as it ever gets, it is always tempered by the moments of peace, looking into those eyes; the reflection of both of us and what her mother accomplished to get her here.

I held up well until the final day; walking that last time through the halls of the maternity ward, I lost it.  The flood of emotion stemming from nervous hours of labor, remaining composed in the wake of concern, gritting through exhaustion, these halcyon days as the three of us quietly recover.  None of it would ever happen again.

The time when all of your focus was wasted ruminating on your own problems and dwelling on your feelings of underachievement is over.  She replaces everything.  For everything bad that ever was, none of it matters anymore because she is beautiful, and she is ours.  I have spent my entire life looking for this.

It's a long way, to the top.

(you know the rest)

Good times never seemed so good

November 2006

I really, really miss this place.

Peanut Butter Nutella Shot Bloks

You like peanut butter?

You like Nutella?

Well who the hell don't.

As many calorie-deprived individuals do, I eat these two wonderful commodities together all the time.  But driving a tableteaspoon into each jar just seemed so...simplistic and uncivilized.  Wasn't there a better, more convenient way to enjoy both of them together?  I knew there was.  And now I've found it.  And now I will share it with you.

Step 1:  You need these.  But you probably already have them, so this part is easy.   The exact kind of PB is not important.

Step 2:  You need this silicone bite-size brownie mold.  It's Wilton 2105-4923.  There are 24 cells, each measuring 1-1/2 inches wide by 3/4 inches deep.  You can get it from Amazon for like $8.  You're unlikely to find it locally, so save yourself a heap of time and just order it.

Step 3:  Fill some cells about half full of Nutella.  There is no science to this.  Just use your judgement.   Fill as many or as few as you want.

Step 4:  Now finish filling in the cells you filled with Nutella with peanut butter.  Pretty easy.  This requires almost no skill.  Your confidence is sky high right now.

Step 5:  The whole thing goes in the freezer overnight.  You don't need to cover them or anything.  They'll be fine.

Step 6:  Now it's tomorrow.  Because the silicone remains very flexible, the little pellets easily pop right out.  Eat some.  YOU ARE PSYCHED.